dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
