dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
