I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I could fuck to npr.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
