I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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