I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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