So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
