i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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