Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
