Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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