she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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