hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Panties = found
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