Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
this beer tastes like vomit already
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
