Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
