Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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