fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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