why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
