I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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