It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
