i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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