You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
