so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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