Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
