my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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