Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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