I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
