My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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