WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
