I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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