life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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