Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
