There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
