guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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