Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
