i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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