God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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