He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
