Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
