Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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