tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
