Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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