There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
