I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
