I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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