You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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