I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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