let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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