I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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