Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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