tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
worst night to have a conscience
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
