Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
love makes seman taste better
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
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you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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