The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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