Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
