I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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