I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
